A letter to my children’s grandparents

Dear Non-Existent Grandparents/Parents,

First let me inform you on the amazing children that you are missing out on.

My son. A 4 year old with a killer personality. He has the most loving heart. He loves to be a helper and feel wanted. He tries to take charge quite often and be the man of the house when Dad is at work. His imagination is something to see and I know he is gonna serve his community or country when he grows up. Its just something I see in his heart. He tries to help others at such a young age. He gets that from his father. He is protective that is a trait he gets from me.

My daughter. So young, almost 2. She is full of spunk. Her attitude is always on point and I know I won’t have to worry about her getting taken advantage of or falling for peer pressure. She is a girly-girl and loves jewelry and to try to put mommy’s make up on. That she did NOT get from me. That little girl will be a famous rock climber because she has master every piece of furniture in our house.

Second let me inform you on my emotions. You have turned into absent grandparents and parents for that matter. You know nothing of the problems I have been facing on a daily basis for the past 1.5 years. I have came to you for help and was turned away. (Let me inform the reader the help was emotional and not financial so it would have cost them nothing). You have given up any effort to continue a relationship with my children, my husband, or myself. I have heard your excuses and I have to say they are shit. As I have heard said “Excuses are like assholes, everybody’s got one”. Maybe as of recent some of these “excuses” have merit but considering the length of time I have been trying to improve my family’s relationship with you both there is no excuses.

02/22/2017 at 9:45 PM Leave a comment

Susie Sucks

OK  Susie!!! Let me just say as a sibling you should  go out of your way to wish YOUR sibling happy birthday. As Reba says:

Why haven’t I heard from you

There better been a flood, a landslide of mud
A fire that burns up the wires
And thunder so loud with a black funnel cloud
A natural disaster I know nothin’ about

Tell me why, haven’t I, heard from you

Read more: Reba McEntire – Why Haven’t I Heard From You Lyrics | MetroLyrics

No text, no call, no snapchat, no Facebook post, no Instagram.

NOTHING. NADA. NIX. NIL.

Am I a little hurt? YES!!

And to make sure I wasn’t overreacting I consulted with my peanut gallery and all agreed that the lack of birthday wishing was one crappy move.

At 32 it is becoming obvious that I will never learn. I shouldn’t of spent my birthday crying over a narcissist socio path (that means you have no cares for anyone but yourself).

There is a part of me that wants to give up. The part that is tired of being heart broken. But the good part of me, the Christian part of me refuses.

02/22/2017 at 9:43 PM Leave a comment

Death in the Family

I’m suppose to be cleaning. Doing laundry. Getting things ready for the days to come. Husband will be here soon and the house is a wreck. It’s hard to focus. I have lost all but one grandparent and now my husband has lost all but one. I hate that he didn’t get to say goodbye the proper way but thankful for Facebook’s face time.

I am supposed to be filling out valentines day cards and putting favors in bags. But I am planning what my family will wear to the viewing and funeral. I am suppose to be celebrating my oldest turning 5 today but instead I am trying to figure when I will practice to sing a hymn for a wonderful man tomorrow.

It happened Friday. I was not surprised. We were given 24-48 hours. But I just knew he would make it through the night. Around 8 that night my sister-in-law call me and now I have to call my husbands boss 9 hours so I can tell him over the phone.

……Day after the funeral

In 6 years married and 7 years together I have never seen my husband sit still. He likes to stay busy. He doesn’t know how to relax. So the fact that he has spent majority of his day sitting on the couch just sets in how his heart is hurting. I am giving him opportunities to talk but he insists he is fine. I know as a man that’s his hard exterior. I know I will just have to be there for him and when he is ready he will talk.

We are supposed to be leaving soon to go meet with family to choose the things we want from grandpa. Hubby and I can’t think of anything. Some shirts and his suspenders that he wore daily.

I have seen death from such a young age but one thing always seems odd. The dividing of property and items. Its like the final nail in the coffin (pun NOT intended) that our loved one is gone.

Death have I told you lately how much you SUCK!!

02/15/2017 at 8:26 PM Leave a comment

ugh I am so over life

I don’t know how people do it. Live day-to-day. My household hates me. Despises me actually. For being the one who cooks, cleans, chauffeurs, launder, bathes, shops and so may other things for them that lack such a huge amount of respect for me. I am ignored on a daily basis. I don’t understand how I do so much for people who care so little. Not only at home but in life as well. I seem to give 110% and get shit in return. I can’t even function. My heart hurts constantly. My temper is on the edge. About to lose it. I want to cry but can’t. I’m so angry and tired. Tired of being ignored. Tired of being disrespected. Tired. Wonder what people would do if I treated them the way they treat me. Not a damn thing. You have to give a shit about someone first for their actions to affect you. Days like these make me really wonder if I made a mistake. If I should have just kept going with my life the way it was. I wouldn’t have anyone disrespecting me and I would be able to walk out this door any time I damn well pleased. People make it seem fun. Well come take a week in my life and see how much fun it is. Is it possible to hate and love your life at the same time? Cause it seems as of recent that’s all I do. I can feel every little squeal or tear pushing me closer to the edge. I just want to leave. I want to walk out. I want them to see how hard life would be without me and maybe just maybe they would show a little respect for me. A little appreciation. Listen to me. Something. I can’t do this alone thing anymore. I am always alone even when the house is full. I don’t matter to any of them. As I get older I start to realize I don’t really matter to anyone. My so-called friends. Yeah Fuck you!! Where are y’all huh? When I need you? People just suck. It’s just crazy to think I have no friends who give two shits about me and my own family could care less as well. So that leaves me with who? Me. Just me. I am so mad. Mad at my world. Not the whole world just my world. My life and the people in it. The people who just don’t care. Well one day is gonna come and you are gonna need me and I won’t be there. I won’t be cooking or cleaning. I won’t be listening or respecting you. I will just look at you like the pile of shit you treat me like and walk away. It seems to be easier to be knowingly alone than think you have people in your life who give a shit to realize you have NO ONE!

11/18/2016 at 11:12 PM Leave a comment

Pit

That pit in your stomach. That constant reminder that you are alone no matter the number of people that surround you.  The fear of being honest and being alone. More alone than you already are. Its been so much that it has come to the point that I prefer to be alone, minus 2 people. The ear piercing screams of a child that hates you.  The constant slamming doors. The disrespect and the tears. What does it matter if people surround you if no one listens. I’ve learned you cant make people hear you. They have to choose to. I guess its always been like that. Explains why I found this home in my head long ago. Its my safe haven. The only place where I’m listened to. Sad though since I’m the one listening. Its like a game of pong. Back and forth with my thoughts and giving myself advice. Honest advice. Just straight advice. Not the judgmental advice I get from others. Not the unsolicited opinions of others who literally don’t know my life or me for that matter. Those who make no effort to get to know me. Those who assume they already know me. I have been myself with one person in my life and that was a long time ago. Why I find it so hard now I don’t know. I guess I can only blame my loneliness on myself. How can I expect people to be around me when they don’t know me. I crave attention one minute and the next want to be utterly and totally alone. I don’t think I’m bi polar but I’m almost certain I am some sort of depressed. I can’t do anything about it . You need money to see a doctor. Money to get a prescription. Money I just don’t have. Priorities. It just hurts. My body hurts. My heart. My head. My bones. Everything. So deep down I could be sick. My body could physically rebel against me. Throw me in a hurricane. Start me on fire. I wouldn’t respond. Though my body still stands. Still breaths. Lives. Bleeds. I feel as if my insides left me years ago. Left me when I left. I can feel my response sometimes. But going back down that road is not an option. Knowing how well I hid it last time I don’t think I would be that successful this time around. You can hide the bottle when you live alone. Not when you are a part of a family of 4. My responsibility for my children is larger and stronger than the urge for a drink. I’m thankful for that. Others aren’t so lucky I know.

11/17/2016 at 12:05 AM Leave a comment

Dam it Susie

Ugh…..I don’t know if you could call it a dream or a nightmare. I am one who whole heartedly believes my dreams are telling me something so with the dream I had last night I had to do some investigating. So here is the dream the best I can remember:

          I am supposed to be meeting up with “Susie” for some family fun but I’m a little upset and feeling left out because she is ignoring me (Susie actually ignored a text that night before I fell asleep). So as I hunt her down I start losing teeth!!!! I’m just walking around holding a total of 7 teeth in my nicely manicured hand! Side note: I have had 4 manicures in my 31 yrs on this earth so that’s weird too. When I find her she tells me she will take me to get my teeth fixed. She takes me to one office but its closed because it’s the weekend. WE follow the GPS. to find another and it takes us into a building/bar/restaurant. As we make our way down a winding path we pass a table with two guys sitting there. One starts to hit on Susie. I abruptly say “uh no! Hello wedding ring!!” Meaning she is married. Shame on you for hitting on her! Well slut puppy Susie gets mad at ME! So as I continue walking down this path with 7 teeth in my manicured hand looking for this dentist office I have to listen to Susie gripe and complain. All of a sudden we come up on water and there fully submersed  in the water is a mobile dentist office?? (This is where it gets weird and starts jumping around). Next thing I know Susie and I are in the water!! Arguing and treading water at the same time. I just start yelling at her that she isn’t Susie and that that’s not the Susie I know!! Her eyes turn a grayish white and I yell one last time with all of me that she is not Susie and her face turns into freaking Linda Blair from the exorcist!!!!!

 Well needless to say that woke me up in a paralyzed fear!! That nightmare has bothered me all day! Apparently the teeth falling out and me carrying them mean something along the lines that I have poor self-esteem and money problems. Well dream way o hit the nail on the head.

I think the weird part was that I had plans with Susie the next day and every time she talked to a man (which was twice) I got this disgusted feeling. This feeling that just listening to her talk made me want to vomit. I have always known Susie to be a flirt but now I don’t see it as harmless flirting anymore (which it probably still is).

11/06/2016 at 4:46 AM Leave a comment

Fake- To be or not to be

I pride myself in NEVER being fake. Of course that means that I will inevitably ruffle some feathers. Let me clarify. I am not the person who thinks that you as a person need to hear every opinion I have on every topic what I mean is I will not lie nor lead you on. I will tell you what you need to hear versus what you want to hear. I appreciate that type of honesty and because of that honesty I have friends that have been around for years.

Mom World

I have noticed in the mom world that there is no room for me. I see a sea of bleach white smiles and the latest fashion trends at functions. Now don’t get me wrong I love me some fashion but I love the fashion that represents me. I don’t like being a cookie. That could be a reason I don’t necessarily fit in. At these functions (whatever they may be, school or birthday party) I hear “Oh girl its been so long!! How are the kids?” one minute and then the other shoe drops, “Ugh she is so annoying! Her kid is a little shit! Always causing problems. Did you know…..” fill in the blank with any reputation ruining gossip. I don’t understand. If I don’t care for someone I don’t talk to them!!! Ever watched Bambi!?!?! I never understood the manipulation and fakeness that comes with female friendship. Let me give you an example:

“Susie”

Here is Susie age 40. Susie is always on point with her style. Susie always has smile on her face but Susie also likes to talk. So poor Susie has gone through 10 (a good even number) friends in the last 5 years. See Susie talked and she talked and she talked and what Susie had to say was never nice. Susie told of financial problems (that were not hers). Susie told of affairs that she didn’t have. Susie told of her friends problems to anyone who she thought was better. Susie was constantly climbing that ladder for the in crowd. Well one day Susie’s friends talked and now poor Susie has no friends except a pill popping 25 yr old that barely made it out of high school.

You see Susie was fake. Susie manipulated. Now Susie only has 1 good friend and that is still up for debate. Has Susie learned her lesson? Will Susie be fake? Will she manipulate? YES folks she will. If life has taught me anything its that at a certain age people don’t really change. Yes we grow but our core personality is still there. So in Susie’s case that is why she will continue down this destructive path.

I will pray for Susie.

Now for those like myself. You rock! Way to be honest with yourself and others!

 

10/28/2016 at 5:58 PM Leave a comment

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