Well…I’m not shocked

11/03/2008 at 5:43 PM Leave a comment

Stop It!!!! I am not a child much less your child! You have always been this person. You have never changed and I say that with regret. I would give anything to be close to you, but you push me away and never take the blame you should. You never admit your mistakes, just blame them on someone else. You treat me like I am below you, as if I am low man on the totem pole. You know exactly what to say to push my buttons. I think you like doing that. You like making me look bad. You like making me lose my temper so you can say “See look how you always lose it. Why are you like that?” You like making jokes about me and then you act suprised when you aren’t the first person I run to. I am not saying that I am not to blame for some but the difference is I admit my mistakes and when I have done you or someone wrong. I apologize. You don’t. I have stepped out of my shoes to see what a bitch I can be sometimes and I have been working on it. I see my mistakes and I call myself out on the mean and stupid things I do. I have never seen you admit to yours. I have never seen you take a step back and see the things you do as manipulative and hurtful. I am still not shocked that I apologize and you find more things to bitch at me about instead taking a step back and apologizing as well, but why would you, YOU didn’t do anything wrong. I hurt everyday. I cry to know that I will never know you and I feel pity for you because you will never see the real me. Let me give you some advice be there for me don’t be there to tell me I messed up. Just stand by my side. If you only knew how much you are on my mind and how much I think of you and wish things were different. I know though deep inside things will never change so I will step back and take it. I will sacrifice to have you in my life. That breaks my heart. I don’t think you would ever sacrifice for me. I don’t want this to turn into something it doesn’t have to. I needed to vent just like everyone else does. I just wish I had the nerve to tell you all this myself but the hurt you could inflict on me scares me so I type this hoping that you will understand and forgive me for writing this. I never want to hurt you. I hope a day will come where we will be able to understand each other better, I just don’t think I can do it right now. I am sorry. I need to get me starightened out before I can bring another person in. I am sorry.


Entry filed under: Just Plain Me. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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November 2008
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