I suck and admitting defeat

10/18/2016 at 7:45 PM 3 comments

Trying to title this blog is difficult. I suck. I suck at relationships of any kind. I just suck. Side note: figured out the title.

I have been going through a rough patch that seems to just go on and on. Lets say a good 15-20 years.  I am very good at hiding it. I have pretty much lived my life that way.  I had to grow up young so I never felt like my parents could handle another screwed up kid. (Other kid not so screwed up anymore…that’s another blog though). Always a smile on my face and nothing ever wrong. Life was and is perfect. I never felt like I could go to my parents and say “Hey something is wrong with me inside”. It took me hitting my personal rock bottom at the time to come forward and talk to them. I was at the bar every night by 5:30pm. In a drunken state by closing. I stopped showing up for work and I would just lay in bed all day. When I finally did explain to my parents that  I needed to go to therapy because I needed someone to just listen my Dad thought I was being ridiculous and stupid and he didn’t understand why I needed help. My Mom was a little more understanding…wish she still was. Thankfully I had a wonderful person in my life at the time who did support my need for therapy and I have never been so low since. But I can feel myself slowly going downhill.

I suck at relationships of any kind

I have always been that friend, that confident that anyone could go to. I am a great listener and I hand out some pretty solid advice. Sometimes unsolicited. I apologize. When I love someone I LOVE someone. I bring them in my family. My life. The part of relationships I suck at is that I expect the same in return. I set people up to fail. I set myself up for heartache. I expect people to read my mind or read between the lines that I need them, I need love, and support. I need help getting out of this blackness I’m surrounding myself in.  But they aren’t mind readers and I’m to proud I guess to admit that I’m struggling. You would think I could talk to my husband about it but it always turns into an argument because he thinks  A) I don’t love him B) he is doing something wrong C) I want a divorce. and then that argument just makes me even more sad. Everything turns into an argument with us. I’m saddened (I like that word better than depressed) because I feel like no one can hear me or no one is listening and we argue because he never listens. It’s a vicious cycle.

Admitting Defeat

Admitting defeat for me is taking a step forward. Its fighting this sadness. Refusing to let the lack of love in my relationships win. Loving those people but revoking the stake they have on my heart and in my family. I have tried to cut ties completely with some and have had success but others will be harder. The ones who have been closer to me than my own family. I realize as words, phrases, pictures and stories come to surface that I wasn’t nearly as important to them. I admit defeat in that friendship and walk away battered and bruised but still alive. I will survive and learn from that failed endeavor. I am taking baby steps at taking back my happiness. I have come to learn that I deserve better. I deserve friends. I deserve to have returned phone calls. Text messages. I deserve it and I will fight for it. I will no longer be a back burner friend. I will no longer sit on the sidelines and watch and be jealous of others friendships.

You would think someone in my position, loving husband and two beautiful children I  would have nothing to be sad over but I could fill a legal pad with the heartbreak I have had from friends and family. And I might just do that. I’ll trade in the legal pad for this blog. Free therapy. Can’t pass that up.

To be continued…

 

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Entry filed under: Just Plain Me, Life. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , .

I already have a Daddy. Mother and Wife

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. What Is A Name After All?  |  10/18/2016 at 9:07 PM

    I can relate to what you’re saying so much, specially in terms of relationships. I expect the same love and dedication I give, but people are so much selfish than what I expect.
    I have been feeling lonely lately, I’ve been truly sucking at relationships…
    Oh well, thanks for sharing. Best wishes!

    Reply
    • 2. Through the looking glass...  |  10/19/2016 at 12:55 AM

      I at first want to take responsibility for my heartache and quickly realize that I am not at fault. Having a loving heart and an open heart is not a fault. Being to selfish and self centered is a fault. I think the lonely feeling is amazing sometimes. It gives me uninterrupted time to think over these one sided relationships and who to give the boot!
      Thanks for the input. It is always comforting knowing I’m not alone.

      Reply
      • 3. What Is A Name After All?  |  10/19/2016 at 9:57 PM

        I agree – being alone is a blessing sometimes . Other times not quite.
        You’re welcome ❤

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