Pit

11/17/2016 at 12:05 AM Leave a comment

That pit in your stomach. That constant reminder that you are alone no matter the number of people that surround you.  The fear of being honest and being alone. More alone than you already are. Its been so much that it has come to the point that I prefer to be alone, minus 2 people. The ear piercing screams of a child that hates you.  The constant slamming doors. The disrespect and the tears. What does it matter if people surround you if no one listens. I’ve learned you cant make people hear you. They have to choose to. I guess its always been like that. Explains why I found this home in my head long ago. Its my safe haven. The only place where I’m listened to. Sad though since I’m the one listening. Its like a game of pong. Back and forth with my thoughts and giving myself advice. Honest advice. Just straight advice. Not the judgmental advice I get from others. Not the unsolicited opinions of others who literally don’t know my life or me for that matter. Those who make no effort to get to know me. Those who assume they already know me. I have been myself with one person in my life and that was a long time ago. Why I find it so hard now I don’t know. I guess I can only blame my loneliness on myself. How can I expect people to be around me when they don’t know me. I crave attention one minute and the next want to be utterly and totally alone. I don’t think I’m bi polar but I’m almost certain I am some sort of depressed. I can’t do anything about it . You need money to see a doctor. Money to get a prescription. Money I just don’t have. Priorities. It just hurts. My body hurts. My heart. My head. My bones. Everything. So deep down I could be sick. My body could physically rebel against me. Throw me in a hurricane. Start me on fire. I wouldn’t respond. Though my body still stands. Still breaths. Lives. Bleeds. I feel as if my insides left me years ago. Left me when I left. I can feel my response sometimes. But going back down that road is not an option. Knowing how well I hid it last time I don’t think I would be that successful this time around. You can hide the bottle when you live alone. Not when you are a part of a family of 4. My responsibility for my children is larger and stronger than the urge for a drink. I’m thankful for that. Others aren’t so lucky I know.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Dam it Susie ugh I am so over life

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