Mother and Wife

It seems this week has just dragged by. With every passing day the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach gets worse.

ME THE MOM AND WIFE

See there are days when I question if I was meant to be married and be a mom. Not that I don’t love my husband and children, I DO but I am not sure I was the best choice for them. They deserve so much better for a wife and mother. They are so much better than I could ever be and the issues my children might have in the future are going to be all my fault and I willingly take the blame. I’m not the best at this whole mothering/wife thing. I struggle every day to find my place in our family of four. I fear my inadequacies will rub off onto my children and I don’t want them to struggle when it comes to love.  Ever since I found out my first was a boy I decided then and there to not be that stereotypical mother of a son. I want to be close to my son as he gets older but with my lack of confidence as a mother I am not sure that future looks so bright. My youngest, a girl, is another story. She clings to me and I enjoy every minute but as a daughter of a mother I know it wont last long. Besides she is only 1 lol

MY HUSBAND

Wonderfully loving, giving, VERY handsome, hard worker, personality to boot. Don’t worry he is not perfect, but he has perfected the act of passive aggressiveness which drives me crazy. I do know that I am very lucky to have him. He changed diapers and woke up in the middle of the night with both kids which from what I can tell not to many dads do that. There are some things he still struggles with such as disciplining but he will get there.

MY LITTLE ONES (4 & 1)

Oh these little stink pots. These comedians in their own right. I believe they were molded after the energizer bunny….they just keep going and going and going. I can’t imagine a life without them both. They drive me crazy at the same time they make me laugh. I never knew what true heart-break was until my boy (4) said I wasn’t his best friend anymore (back story he was told no). My girl (1), the first girl in the family since yours truly (30 years). She is spoiled and she is her brothers biggest fan. If he does it she does it. So needless to say she will be like her mother, a little tom boy. Hubby and I always joke how they will set each other up with each others friends. It’s funny for all of 5 minutes then the scary sets in. If my children have their father’s heart they will experience an immense amount of heartache but if they have my heart they will dish out the heartache. It’s a  double edge sword (or is it blade).

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10/28/2016 at 5:25 PM Leave a comment

I suck and admitting defeat

Trying to title this blog is difficult. I suck. I suck at relationships of any kind. I just suck. Side note: figured out the title.

I have been going through a rough patch that seems to just go on and on. Lets say a good 15-20 years.  I am very good at hiding it. I have pretty much lived my life that way.  I had to grow up young so I never felt like my parents could handle another screwed up kid. (Other kid not so screwed up anymore…that’s another blog though). Always a smile on my face and nothing ever wrong. Life was and is perfect. I never felt like I could go to my parents and say “Hey something is wrong with me inside”. It took me hitting my personal rock bottom at the time to come forward and talk to them. I was at the bar every night by 5:30pm. In a drunken state by closing. I stopped showing up for work and I would just lay in bed all day. When I finally did explain to my parents that  I needed to go to therapy because I needed someone to just listen my Dad thought I was being ridiculous and stupid and he didn’t understand why I needed help. My Mom was a little more understanding…wish she still was. Thankfully I had a wonderful person in my life at the time who did support my need for therapy and I have never been so low since. But I can feel myself slowly going downhill.

I suck at relationships of any kind

I have always been that friend, that confident that anyone could go to. I am a great listener and I hand out some pretty solid advice. Sometimes unsolicited. I apologize. When I love someone I LOVE someone. I bring them in my family. My life. The part of relationships I suck at is that I expect the same in return. I set people up to fail. I set myself up for heartache. I expect people to read my mind or read between the lines that I need them, I need love, and support. I need help getting out of this blackness I’m surrounding myself in.  But they aren’t mind readers and I’m to proud I guess to admit that I’m struggling. You would think I could talk to my husband about it but it always turns into an argument because he thinks  A) I don’t love him B) he is doing something wrong C) I want a divorce. and then that argument just makes me even more sad. Everything turns into an argument with us. I’m saddened (I like that word better than depressed) because I feel like no one can hear me or no one is listening and we argue because he never listens. It’s a vicious cycle.

Admitting Defeat

Admitting defeat for me is taking a step forward. Its fighting this sadness. Refusing to let the lack of love in my relationships win. Loving those people but revoking the stake they have on my heart and in my family. I have tried to cut ties completely with some and have had success but others will be harder. The ones who have been closer to me than my own family. I realize as words, phrases, pictures and stories come to surface that I wasn’t nearly as important to them. I admit defeat in that friendship and walk away battered and bruised but still alive. I will survive and learn from that failed endeavor. I am taking baby steps at taking back my happiness. I have come to learn that I deserve better. I deserve friends. I deserve to have returned phone calls. Text messages. I deserve it and I will fight for it. I will no longer be a back burner friend. I will no longer sit on the sidelines and watch and be jealous of others friendships.

You would think someone in my position, loving husband and two beautiful children I  would have nothing to be sad over but I could fill a legal pad with the heartbreak I have had from friends and family. And I might just do that. I’ll trade in the legal pad for this blog. Free therapy. Can’t pass that up.

To be continued…

 

10/18/2016 at 7:45 PM 3 comments

I already have a Daddy.

Control has always been something I do not do well with.  So how do I get someone to realize every move they make is to control
A). Me
B). The situation
Or
C). Their parent(s)
I have recently realized what I always thought was trust issues is not trust issues…its control issues. It can go from what I am putting on my Facebook to what I am wearing. You have to understand that yes I am trying to be controlled but NO, by any means is it working. I dont want a relationship.like that. We are workin on his issues alon with mine…which i will go into another time. I already have one father, I don’t need another. So here’s to hoping something changes. 

07/19/2012 at 1:43 PM Leave a comment

How do you know?

So recent activity in my life has been making me wonder how do I know I have made the right choices. I thought as I became an adult I would know that the choices I made were the right ones. Now I just don’t know. I was hoping as I got older than I could grow out of wanting my cake and eating it too. No such luck. I don’t regret the choices I have made they have led me into this wonderful life I have now. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful child. Sometimes it is just hard to not think what might have been. I was hoping when I got married that would all change. now its going on two years (which isn’t long) and I still have thoughts about if I would have done this or that, where would I be now?  I like to think that I am not the only one that thinks this way. I might just be the only one saying it out loud.

07/03/2012 at 3:24 PM Leave a comment

So I sit here eating a ridiculously large brownie trying to figure out why you thought doing that was ok. Having that person as a friend completely diminishes our relationship. After everthing that person “Stacy” has done to us you as a grown adult think thats ok. You wonder why we aren’t close. This is why. You ruined that relatioship years ago. I am sorry but you can’t get it back. You made life a living hell for me and I just kept giving over and over. Chance after chance. Stacy made my life a living hell. I couldn’t go to school without hearing crap. You know I never told you all that because I didn’t want you to feel bad, but now I think you should know. Stacy came and told everything to everyone and I was questioned about it on a daily basis all 4 years!!!! Anytime you were there i knew about it because it was something to brag about…something to rub my nose in. Do you even realize my life revolved around you….every stupid decision you made we had to stop everything and tend to you….you know i never complained. I never said anything. I could of but I didn’t. I could have said HEY what about me…I am good why don’t I get the attention. But I grew up at a young age because of you. I saw things you will never know. I saw what your actions did to the people I love the most and I swore I would never do that to them and  I have kept good to that promise. I would like to hope that you have apologized for all that you have done but seeing that Stacy is your friend basically says you don’t care who you hurt in your path of destruction. Well not me…not anymore. I have officially put up the walls to you. You will never know because it is easier that way then have to listen to you justify what you think is right…..well you are wrong!

06/28/2012 at 4:15 AM Leave a comment

Operation A-Hole

So there is this interesting show on the Tru Channel called Operation Repo. It is obviously about Repoing cars. So Jeff and I were watching it the otehr night and they repo people had to pick up a van. They pull and proceed to get the vin and license plate to make sure its the right car. The repo peeps would like every repo to be a voluntary repo which is where the owners hand over the keys no problems. So the owners of this particular van come outside and they happen to be brothers and one is handicapped. He was sitting in a wheelchair and he had only one leg. These were young guys and so I automatically assumed he was a veteran. Well as the show goes on the repo people find out that yes he is a veteran of war and they do not want to take their car from a veteran, especially since it is a van equipped with all the wheelchair accessibility that he would need. Well the repo peeps start talking to the vet and all of a sudden he story starts changing. The repo peep ask teh brother and he says something totally different well things begin to get heated. The brother begins to yell and push at the repo people while the vet is saying he has done his job and he served his 2 years in iraq and all this stuff. Well the head repo guy is a BIG guy and one you would not want to mess with. The brother pushes and the big repo guy pushes back and at that moment I and others watching that show were able to witness a miracle because the vet who lost his leg in iraq all of a sudden stood straight up and grew his leg back just in time to save his brother from getting his ass beat. Yeah he was full of crap and I have never been so angry before. I just couldn’t believe he would do that. I wished they didn’t have his face blurred out on the show so he would get his ass beat. I don’t wish violence on anyone but come on people when you do somewthing that horrible you atleast deserve to get popped pretty good in the mouth.

09/02/2009 at 7:19 PM Leave a comment

Shattered Glass

While I am at work I get a call about glass surrounding the passenger side door of my truck. I run. I see. They stole.

My purse is gone. My life was in that purse. My camera. 3 SD cards with years of pictures/memories. My ipod. Social Security Card. Credit Cards. Atm Card/Debit Card. It sucked. I felt so violated. It is still kinda hard to talk about.

Well to help of the first person I call is the cops, then Jeff, and then my sister. Did she answer? No. I was not surprised. I left a voicemail of me crying and saying what just happened. Did she call back? No. Am I suprised? Yes. For some odd reason I thought maybe hearing me crying and being upset she might put the past were it belongs but she didn’t. She just keeps making it easier for me to move on. Thats sad right? Oh well, I mean what ya gonna do?

08/07/2009 at 7:47 PM Leave a comment

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